Apr
18
2010
A little while after my ex moved out I was at my parents house having dinner. I was spending a lot of time with my family trying to avoid quiet nights at home. My kids were being shuffled back and forth and when I had them I was very busy but when they weren’t with me I didn’t know exactly what to do in my home alone. In the 10 years that I lived in my home I was very rarely alone. It’s ironic that when you have young kids you think you want time alone – no noise in the house. But when they aren’t there you really miss the commotion. It can be eerily quiet.
So anyways, I was having dinner with my folks and my brother and sister-in-law and I told them about my predicament. My wife had left our home and at her final exit took a stand and refused to take her wedding dress. I have a large walk-in-closet in my bedroom and my clothes occupied one small wall. Once her stuff had been cleared out the closet was virtually empty. From the outside looking in the only item that could be seen was the Bridal Keepsake box holding her dress and it was perfectly centered on the main shelf. She left it for me to deal with. I asked her to take it and she refused, telling me to do what I wanted with it.
“What should I do with it?” I asked at the dinner table that night. My brother was quick to point out that it would be handy for wiping a specific part of my body. A few more suggestions were thrown out before my sister-in-law suggested there were 101 uses for the dress. The wheels in my head began turning and that is how this all began. What could a newly single guy going it alone for the first time in forever use this dress for? I had no idea how many practical applications a wedding dress has.
Lorna
you are hilarious love you and love the uses
JJ
Sitting in my tiny new apartment home alone, 1 month post-divorce and missing the kids’ “commotion” as you say, I find myself tickled. Thanks for making me smile. You know, when I left a month ago I left my wedding dress behind. I think I might just go get it. As a single mom, I have to be more frugal now and I could really use an all-purpose item like a wedding dress. Thanks for the enlightenment.
April
I have to say…I love the blog! I am a married woman with two children and, even I am getting some laughs! I don’t think you’re bitter about the divorce like some have said. I just see a person trying to make others laugh. I could not imagine sitting in an empty house. There was a comment on here from someone naming themselves as “Heather”. I have to strongly disagree with her. If the wife walked out after that many years together, there was something more to the story. Why should any man (or woman) beg for the other back? It’s not what’s “best for the children”. The children need to be around two happy adults. If being divorced is what makes them happy, then the children will be better off. I applaud you for having done this. Good luck with the fantasy football! Maybe when you’re done with your 101 thing to do book, if there are any pieces of the dress worth saving, you could do as I am. I am taking swatches of my dress and adding them to quilts for my children. It’s a time in life that made them possible. Even if the event on that day didn’t last as long as you had wished. It may mean something to your children.
kit
a wedding dress is not something that should go to waste. At least wear it once!
Taniaa
this is sooo funny love it!!
Stefanie Oliveira
lol!!!!!! =D
You’re really crazy man!!! But Brazil loveeeeeed it!!!!!
But I would like see something in the bathroom…. hehe =D…. You understood huh!?!?huahuahuahuahua
lol
Ogro
Yeah! That dress deserve it!. Thanks for the laughs from Argentina. Yes, Argentina.
brent
Bonfire!
iain
you sir are a hero!
Aura
You seriously make me laugh out loud. I love your creativity with this and your humor. Fantastic!! I am a single parent as well and have been through the lovely divorce scenario and appreciate your approach. Seriously love it!
Katie
I think this is so entertaining! I also love that you are writing about learning to be a single parent which totally makes this even more fun to read. Thanks for sharing and I hope that things turn out well for you.
ASharpe
This is the most hillarious blog I have ever read! You crack me up!
I don’t blame you….I would do the same if this happened to me.
Ch
Wow, you’re a cutie. Too bad this happened to you, but I would love to pick up the pieces.
BelZ
Wow – can you spell the word “Bitter”??
Why waste your time with this crap? You’re not the only one who’s been divorced.
Get on with your life instead. You’re just spending valuable time on someone who obviously doesn’t deserve it…
Bosanac
You could use it as a flag.
Thomas S
Strange no one has thought of using it as a curtain. Cat people would prefer a cat bed rather than a dog bed. It could also be used as an alternative to bubble wrap for wrapping fragile items when moving house. On hot days, it could be useful on the windscreen of a car to prevent the steering wheel from getting burning hot – just stick it under the windscreen wipers. During winter, keep it in the car and use it to keep warm in case of a breakdown so you don’t freeze to death. In a wagon, it can also be useful to cover items carried in the car to prevent burglary. If stuck in the mud or snow, stick it under the wheels to get more traction. For a costume party, wear it and be the drag queen. Use it as sun shade on the beach or in the garden. Use it as the rag in a molotow cocktail. Also give it a go as a saddle. After riding, use it as a nosebag. When finished, use it to wipe up at the other end of the horse.
Missy
This is too funny, good for you, and how bitter of her to stick you with it… I took mine when my first marriage disolved mostly becuase I was frugal and couldn’t stand the thought of it going to waste after what I spent on it. So it sits in my garage in a box and I have no idea what I will do with it, but I didn’t stick my ex with it!
Connie
Oh my gosh! I have never laughed so much!!! YOU are so witty, creative … just all around cute!!! Won’t be long … (only by your choice …) before you’re with someone wonderful again … and your kids will be great … as long as you’re always honest with them … you know … the right things to do are usually the hardest things to do … I can’t wait to read more …
Ryan
I am sitting in the same situation, those nights where the kids are gone are a killer.
sandy
awesome blog
Kelly
I was at a BBQ this weekend and got into a conversation with a friend about a website with called akwardfamilyphotos and i was telling him how funny it was. Then he said he saw something just like that and it was yours so of course I looked it up. So funny! I love how you give a detail about each photo and whats going on with your life. I hope your out there dating b/c your def cute!!
diana
it seems to be a good remote keeper as you can tell by this picture…
rachel & suzie
oh kevinnnnnnn write back plz =)
rachel & suzie
hey kevin what state do you live in and how old are you. what do you do for a liven? b/c you look kinda sorta idk ummmm cute LoL. =) email @ susanarmenia@charter.net
Lovely Hue
This is hilarious! I love your blog!!!
janis o
Set it up for some paint ball target practice.
feeptfliedots
thanks!
lets write them until the admit it, or stop doing it! i am writing them now!
Rick Wroll
Fantastic idea! Looking forward to seeing the dress become useful again (already enjoying the posts).
Steve
I have experience with this and found that silk is far and away the best compost cover you’ll ever find – it breathes, and is as warm as wool, even when wet.
Also, it comes in handy when you have to cover the pitcher’s mound during a rain delay.
Claire from Make Mon
LOL at Conan! That was great! When I read that rude comment from Leno I thought “he needs to get a life.”
Kevin I think you really are doing a great job of dealing with those hurtful poisonous emotions. It’s great you have support from your family. Ignore the people who are rude or just don’t understand. You sound like a caring thoughtful father with a wicked sense of humor! Laughter is healing
Can’t wait to see more!
Conan O'Brien
Quiet Leno, no one likes you
Heather
WOW, if you can sit and do all of those things to her wedding dress, than you really must not of loved her very much. you shouldn’t be trying to find ways to destroy her dress. a better thing to do with your time would be to try and get her back. those kids should not have to deal with being moved back and forth from one parent to another.
TimK
I feel your pain. If only she could have had the common decency to leave before you had invested 10 years, which would have allowed you to have kids with someone who would stick around.
Unfortunately for you, she is not going to appreciate the effort that you are making with the wedding dress.
Good luck.
bethology1
You should next fix the dress to a pole (like a flag), and display it proudly for all to see.
IconKestrell
Jay Leno, it’s therapy. He let her go months ago so get a clue. Maybe if your wife took off you’d miss her but you don’t know the history here my friend. To call yourself Jay Leno, you must have no originality.
Jay Leno
Dude, get a new life. This is pathetic. It’s just showing her that you can’t let go.
How embarrassing…
Wendy Herwyn
Hi
Do you still have the dress please?
I might be interested buying the dress as is. No cleaning or repairs required.
This is a serious request and for a good work.
Please feel free to contact me at herwyn.w@skynet.be.
Hope to hear from you soon…
Wendy
Carla Marie Ciampa
This is wonderful. Snide and snarky on the outside, warm and chewy on the inside. I love what you have here, your words, experiences and thoughts go so much deeper than the revenge angle you’re pretending to be. May I be so humble to request you add an “About Me” page, and twitter account and when you post a new entry link it to your twitter so we’ll all know to race over and read.
Good Luck!
DoorGunner
You could use it to dress up your favorite animal at the zoo or, and I like this one best, use it to fashion a deck or patio umbrella. Take a picture of the up-skirt and send it to your soon to be ex-wife.
saraceno 12
Tinteggia le pareti di casa, e usalo per non sporcare i mobili con la tinta. ( Saraceno12. Lecce. Italia)
M. Amado
Well by all means let’s make this an occasion for celebration!!! Hows about dressing up some Crack head in your Ex-wifes dress for critique? Who really wore it best!!! and whats better than That! the other side of the that coin, hows about a car wash with hot bikini clad women washing your car with the dress in question? Or better yet a Cue degra with you arriving at the Eiffel tower (or other significant landmark) in style with someone better and the dress being caught in the car door and being dragged away!!! I LOVE IT! Brother you are surrounded by people here for you and who praise you for your courage and expression of love lost and love of your children and life gained!!! Be well and God Bless you brother!
Kathy
Love this blog!
karen
i love your uses for the wedding dress in question! it is quite funny! it is a good way to get out your anger & emotions. i love all of the pics!! i have to think of something else you can do with this dress. this reminds me of the guy who modeled his ex wive’s wedding dress on ebay to sell it. this guy ended up on the today show one morning too!! i wish you all of the best with your recovery it will get better with time.
Sandra
Sorry for your break up that completely sucks but you are better off if someone would treat you and your kids that way. Your a nice looking man you will not have any problems finding someone decent down the road. GOOD LUCK!
Megan Johnson
Oooooh, and another on the dog theme…your dog, or if you don’t have one, Colin and Jenny’s dog could do butt scoots on it! It’s a far better choice than your carpet.
Colin
Megan,
I love the suggestion…put it on the board! That should be an entertaining photo shoot.
Megan Johnson
Kevin,
Evan and I love your blog! Thanks so much for sharing. Here is my suggestion….wipe the dog shit off your running shoes with her wedding dress. And…you can share my suggestion with her!
Fanning
I love that you hauled it out to the woods for the photo.
Barker
Like the Buffalo marriage slowing going extinct.
Indian Uses Of The Buffalo: http://www.bluecloud.org/11.html
Greg
Only one beer in the picture? Are you sure that you are drinking enough?