MY EX-WIFE´S
WEDDING DRESS

Dress uses aren’t being posted in order.  The dress is clean in this one. I’m going to write about what is on my mind at the moment and that happens to be nicotine.  I have a love-hate relationship with chewing tobacco.  Every since I stuck some of it in my lip on the drive to Lubbock with the UofA soccer team, after tearing my ACL against UTEP, I have incorporated it into most golf outings and fishing trips.  I have been a recreational tobacco chewer for the better part of the last 17 years. It is fascinating to me how addictions work.  I smoked a few cigarettes in college but never formed a habit.  Some friends of mine who took up cigarette smoking at the same time under the same circumstances still smoke regularly today.  For 17 years I liked to chew tobacco when I did certain activities.  I never finished a can of chew before it became dry.  I would pretty much buy it to get a couple of chews from it and then the bulk of it would be tossed once it was no longer fresh, which is only a few weeks after it has been opened.  I really enjoyed my tobacco routine for a long time and felt as if I had it totally under control.  I never did it around my family and likely the majority of the people I know have no idea I chew tobacco at all, or that I used to chew tobacco. When my ex-wife moved out last year I found myself at home alone really for the first time since I lived alone for a stretch in college.  I had no desire to watch TV and I found that I wanted to be productive around the house.  Chewing tobacco is a good companion of lots of productive activities like cleaning house and working in the yard.  I never used to do it much around the house because I hid my habit from my kids.  Well the kids weren’t always here so I had an opportunity to incorporate chewing tobacco into more things I do regularly.  I used to joke with my brother that it was a good thing we didn’t golf or go fishing too often, because I always chewed tobacco when we did. So, after my divorce last year I finished a can of chewing tobacco for the first time.  I got my money’s worth (it’s not cheap) but I wasn’t proud.  After finishing that can it wasn’t more than a few weeks later that I polished off another.  I found myself wanting to chew every night that I was home alone.  The urge would come on strong by around 8:00 and I would finish a lot of days with a mouthful of tobacco before calling it a night.  I never chewed tobacco during my workday.  In fact, some buddies of mine who chew would ask me how it is that I don’t chew tobacco while I drive, because I spend so much time in my car.  I can’t explain it but I don’t crave tobacco while I’m driving during the course of the day.  One thing that I did notice, however, was the point in the day when the thought of tobacco came into my mind was changing.  It used to be that the tobacco flash didn’t happen in my head until maybe 4:00 or 5:00 and then I would be content knowing that 8:00 wasn’t that far away.  Then 4:00 turned into 3:00 and then 2:00 as I wanted to chew tobacco more frequently.  I was very aware throughout that it was taking a hold on my system.  I quit nearly 2 weeks ago.  I miss it. I’m upset with myself that I let it get to the point where I felt like I had to quit completely.  I really like to chew tobacco when I fish and I don’t fish much.  On a good year I take 2 trips but most years it is only 1.  There is something special about tying a fly onto my line, wading into a river, filling my lower lip with tobacco, and making that first cast.  I can chew all day long when I am fishing.  But I let my habit get to a point where I sensed it could turn into something I didn’t want it to be and so I have to let it go completely.  It is on my mind every night now.  I was told that day 21 it starts to get easier.  I’ll believe it when I feel it. In the spirit of summer camping here is a shot of me using my ex’s dress as a sleeping bag.  It was cozy.